The burden of the sun as it settles in its course lower and lower on the horizon as winter approaches feels heavy on my shoulders. The sun beats on my back from an angle that announces her dismissal, warning us of her infrequent appearances for the rest of the year.
I’m preparing not to see you for months. At least in summer, there’s some hope we’ll run into each other in this rather big city. Fall is a depressing time. You’ll be holed up in your basement studying your nights away, and I’ll be here trying not to think about you most of the time that I should be spending studying.
Autumn is just a euphemism. It is truly fall, in every sense of the word.
Hah. Well so much for that earlier wish.
It’s okay, though. Things are better this way. I feel lighter, like the physical weight of you has been lifted off my chest. I feel more purposeful, like I own my purpose, like I’ve championed my reason for being. It’s not you anymore. You’re not my reason for being anything. You just are, and I just am, and that’s that.
This sounds meaner and more bitter and cynical than I’m actually feeling right now. In reality, I have nothing but resounding respect for your trueness and your sincerity. To me, to God, to your parents, to your religion, to everything. I admire you endlessly. I guess this time, the difference is that I’ll be admiring you from afar.
The difference this time is that I’ll try to keep my expectations at zero, and maybe I’ll be surprised one day. Maybe I won’t. Maybe you and I will lead separate, diverging lives from this point on. It’s okay. Either way, it’s okay, and I’ve internalised that, and I’m going to try to live that now.
Nelly Furtado – Try
When a guy tries really hard to make you laugh, and does so very obviously, I think you should give him some credit. Because guys, speaking very generously, are not the gender that will openly and plainly tell a girl they are interested. For all the flack the fairer sex are given for being more “complicated”, it’s ironic that simply expressing interest in a girl is quite difficult for a guy. So what will he do instead? He’ll make a fool out of himself in front of you. He’ll constantly rack through his brain to come up with the wittiest one-liners. He’ll bend over backwards to crack that smile of yours.
And when you think about it, it’s really sweet that he cares for your happiness. More than just expressing his interest in you, he’s looking for a way to make that interest manifest itself in a way that causes you happiness. For a girl, she is content to tell her guy how much she loves him with a cute, fluttery sigh–just to hear herself say it out loud. For a guy, he already knows that. He’s already internalised it. And now he’s going to think of some way to get you to laugh, not just selfishly hear himself say it out loud, but go the extra step and make you happy by whatever means he can. Because to him, your smile is gold. That laugh is the trophy, and when he’s got it, sure it might be an ego boost for him, but not the way that anyone can laugh at his dumb jokes. It’s you laughing at his dumb jokes. And he is the reason for that golden smile.
I don’t know how and why I keep running into the same problem with you. We talk too much, I get too close, and I want more. The only solution I’ve found to this in the past has been to cut off communication altogether. I don’t want to do that with you.
Please don’t make me do that with you.
I wish I spent more time on theology. I wish I was sitting here, struggling with myself about Islamic creed like I was a few posts ago, rather than sitting here struggling with myself about when I should call up this guy and wondering if I’m ready for marriage. Because that’s all I effin think about anymore and it’s pissing me off.
But why does that really surprise me? You can’t let go until you let go, right? You can’t move on to be your awesome, independent self with you still have ties to this other human being. I don’t know why this is news to me. I will not move on until I get some clarity. This is a conversation we both are dreading yet I can’t get myself to stop thinking about it until it’s finally over.